Coming unstuck ...

I came to an interesting realisation this morning while in the shower. I am still not sure why the shower is where I most frequently discover my truth but I am reassured by the fact that it is, and in these covid19 level 3, drought/water conservation times it gives me a good reason to keep clean. 

And what was my realisation, I hear you ask.

It is possible to have writer's block in one category of writing while being able to write freely in others. I wrote my last novel length junior fiction in 2017. Last year I wrote seven (or maybe eight) picture books, several short stories and lots of content for talks and workshops. So far this year I've written two picture books, some poetry for children, reworked a picture book into a short story and produced more content for talks and workshops. But I am stuck, stuck, stuck on novel length junior fiction. It eludes me. It scares me. I have had a few ideas for this form of writing but they have not developed. I have a novel three quarters written but I throw my hands up whenever I look at it, unable to edit, rearrange or complete it.

Have I exhausted my novel writing abilities? Was that it? I had a finite allotment of titles and I've reached the end? Is it just a blip? A temporary (three years and counting) abberation? Or is my brain switching focus to picture books for now but the train will switch back to the novel track at some point in the future? Or is it a gradual separation caused by how my novels have been read, responded to, or rejected over the course of my writing career? Have I just lost faith in my ability to write this form, wrongly or rightly? Have my particular series of novel-related events (some fortunate, some unfortunate) chipped away at my novel writing confidence? 

And does it even matter? 

I guess it does. At least to me, because I've been thinking about it - thinking about it enough to write a blog post on it. I don't like not being able to write this form. I feel like something is missing. Maybe a foot, or a couple of the more useful fingers.

It got me to thinking, because I believe my current inability to write novel length fiction is the product of my belief in my ability to do so being chipped away at over time. None of the individual chips was terribly big but over time they added up to quite a chunk. And like chopping that deep V out of a tree trunk, eventually the tree falls (and of course in a forest with nobody to hear, it doesn't make a sound - a bit like me stopping writing novels :-) ). So the writer we become is a product of our writer-related experiences over time and how we respond to each experience. 

For better or worse, the path we take, the choices we make, build up our sense of who we are as a writer. It comes to colour what and how we write, how and to whom we submit, and how we handle the results. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes failure, rejection and criticism pushes us to write a better thing. We are able to see (sometimes because of the many small steps we did take) where we went wrong and how we might improve. Sometimes there was nothing wrong except the timing, so changing how or what we do might be the wrong response. Do we see this in time to stay on what is still the right path? How do we know? Sometimes it makes us turn to something else or give up completely. Or be stuck, stuck, stuck. 

And don't forget, at each step in the journey, different people will respond differently to the same event. That rejection might steel your resolve, or break you. That success might see you blossom, or question if this is what you really wanted. No two writer's sequences of events and experiences will be the same so who do you look to for meaningful advice when you are not sure which way to go? You look to the only person you can - yourself! This too is part of being a writer. Looking at circumstances and saying to yourself, not, What do I do now? but, What do I want now? And saying, I want something completely different, is a legitimate answer. But it's not the only answer.  In truth I still want to be writing novels. I'm going to have to figure out how to get myself back to it. I'm not sure how yet, but the bottom line is I know that's what I want. And luckily, while my confidence in my writing might come and go, my confidence in my ability to find a way remains strong. I'll figure it out because I have to. I'll see you when I get there :-)

Reviewing reviews...

Writers block - I've read some excellent articles on this recently which I think address the more serious variety of writer's block and offer insight, advice, solutions and hope if you are locked in mortal combat with the creative side of your mind -  this one is good.

This post by Bernard Beckett on why NZ YA literature is or isn't used in our classrooms is an interesting read. Teachers are too stretched and understandably go for the easy option of (generally overseas) YA titles that have movie tie ins, have been dissected and reviewed ad nauseam on easy to find online sites and are proven winners. This makes it too easy to ignore some excellent local content which already suffers from an embarrassing level of neglect. This site Hooked on Books aims to redress some of the balance (awesome work people!!!) but we have a LONG way to go before we are even truly accepted let alone embraced. While I agree it is best to be positive about small gains I think we should expect more. Look what happened to NZ music when we were obliged to hear more of it.

And if you want an easy lesson on how to start a fight you need look no further than this article by Iain Sharp lamenting the apparently too cosy nature of book reviewing in this fair country. He's only commenting on adult literature here, because reviewing children's literature is an obscure movement that seems to operate on the same level as dark matter. However, for my purposes let's pretend children's literature is part of the reviewing discussion.

I guess I agree on some points. Sometimes reviews are just a blurb, or the synopsis, without commentary on the key elements by which we assess books. On the one hand this gives us no real clues as to the merits of the book but it IS a mention which (due to our lack of cultural embracing) is pure gold. I am thrilled when my books are mentioned (even just by title) by someone other than myself or a member of my family or circle of friends, in some public fashion. We should be a little sad that such small things excite us so much. Round ups, therefore, are a simultaneously good and bad thing.

And the majority of reviews are a bit of a love fest, but then an absence of any mention at all in the places where book reviews hang out can be rebuke enough. As my mother always says, "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." And clearly I wasn't the only one in NZ raised this way. We would rather spend our time talking about things we do like, than things we don't. And this is especially true in a country as small as this one. Our tribe is too small. Too close. We avoid confrontation. We don't wish to offend. This doesn't mean our reviews are bad, just highly curated. And, nice isn't always nice. Sincerity, or lack thereof is detectable. Having some overseas reviewers involved might be a good thing but New Zealanders know their own literature best. Goodreads, of course, is immune to all of this and very educational on the subject of reviewing, partly because its structure encourages reviews of everything you have read, and partly because it's an international boundary-less site where people seem to eschew any kind of filter on their comments. If they feel angry about any aspect of your book, whether real or imagined, they feel a duty to let you know. Some of the most insightful reviews I have read have been on Goodreads.  And some of the nastiest.

And everyone has an agenda. Writer Elizabeth George (in an article published in our own Herald Canvas magazine some years ago) said reviewers were looking to their own careers when they write reviews, and the content should be judged on this basis. She made her comments about big name overseas reviewers so are her comments relevant here? Should they be? or is it better if they aren't? I think reviews anywhere can reveal as much about the reviewer as they do about the book.

I've had my fair share of reviews. Some have just repeated the synopsis and made no real comment on the qualities of the story. Some have been insightful criticisms both positive and negative. Some have just been mean-spirited. Some referenced things which weren't in the books. Some seemed to be written by people who hadn't even read my book but felt compelled to comment anywho. And the advised practice (which I agree with) is that authors never respond to reviews, so errors (or misreadings) in reviews go unchecked. If authors can't respond, how much licence is it okay for reviewers to have (and please don't review that sentence, it's a bit rubbish although the content is still meaningful and relevant). We have no right of reply and must take our medicine. Reviewers should keep that in mind.

So are we gutless reviewers? For my own books I hope for honesty and erudite insights. For the books I wish to read I want a feel for the book, the style and quality of the prose, the complexity of the themes and plot. How satisfying is the ending (but no spoilers). When I review books on Goodreads I believe that what I don't say has as much weight as what I do say. You can easily tell when I think something is a must read. And if you have agreed with my past assessments my reviews will be more useful to you. I know who to trust as a reviewer. A reviewing history carries a lot of weight with me.

It's crucial to remember too that reviewers in the media don't necessarily have control over how much they can write, the format in which their reviews appear (round ups), or sometimes even the books they are able to review. They do what they can within the constraints of the current environment.

In the end, the same book can receive scathing reviews and adoring ones. I look at the kinds of comments made and depending on the language used, the issues noted, and the tone of the piece I get a fair idea of whether a book is for me or not. A nasty review isn't necessarily the kiss of death. Sometimes it is the opposite. Give us some credit for being able to read between the lines (cos that's what good readers do) - a review isn't the last and only word.

When writer's block is real...

Over the years I have several times declared my belief that I don't believe in writer's block. Partly, secretly, this was kind of a defense mechanism - if I don't believe it to be true, it won't be. And partly writer's block seemed to be just another name for being stuck - my idea isn't working, I can't get a good idea I like, this part of the story isn't working, I've taken a wrong turn in the story and I'm not sure where I got lost, this part of the story is flaccid, boring, cliched. The cure was time away and maybe a freshening or restocking of thinking by going to movies, spending time with friends and family, reading other peoples books, looking at art and nature and so on. Things would fall back in to place and I would move on. Not so much a writer's block as a writer's hiccup, or stall. And this is how I viewed it and talked about it.

It wasn't just me. There have been plenty of other writers, famous (Neil Gaiman) and not famous, who have agreed with this view. There are blog posts and articles to be found all over the internet that discuss writer's block in exactly these terms. Don't worry, they say. It's not real. You are just stuck. It will pass.

I was wrong.

Unfortunately writer's block is real. I don't think it's terribly common. But if you ever experience this you have my complete and utter sympathy. Generally I think people who go through it or have it, don't talk about it. It is pretty frightening. When you are in the middle of it, the fear that you may never come out the other side is unspeakable. Giving voice to that is an admission no writer really wants to make. And sympathy can't fix it. I have only ever seen one blog post on this by Nicola Morgan some years back. It made for difficult reading. And now I've felt it for myself. And I am only mentioning it because I seem to be on the other side of it and I can look back on it with something almost (but not quite) approaching objectivity. And I think if you have felt it, are feeling it, you might want to know that you are not alone. And that it is possible to get beyond it.

So what is it? Writer's block isn't a stall or a hiccup. It's not being stuck, or frustrated with where things are at. It's not struggling to find the right words or ideas. It's a big fat creative nothing. A complete absence of creativity. If you are like me, you feel that being a writer is who you are, not what you do. And in being a writer, in being unable to imagine life without the impulse to write, to be 'blocked' is a form of paralysis. A functioning part of you ceases to work at all, and no amount of desire or effort or will can fix it. You might feel like your writing ability is gone. And that it may not come back.

Why does it happen? I don't know. But I'd say things like frustration, disappointment, and grief can contribute. Maybe. Or stress. And doubt. Or hay-fever. Or the shit state of the world. Or being in a month with the letter e in it. I don't think it's necessarily depression because it was isolated to my writing. I could laugh about plenty of other things and enjoy hanging out with family and friends. I could get out of bed in the morning and manage everything else like usual. This is not to say that depression isn't a factor for some people. Or maybe it's just a really weird specific kind. For whatever reason, your creativity is switched right off. And if you have not experienced this, it is hard to imagine. Which is why in the past I pooh-poohed the idea. But I get it now. And I wouldn't wish it on anybody. But I do believe it is possible to get through it.

So how did I get through it? No idea. I honestly thought my writing days were over. It was unpleasant (understatement) and I wondered what I would 'do' instead. I didn't talk to writer friends about it because they were still writing and I couldn't do that. When you have no idea how you got there, there are no easy solutions. I tried to be kind to myself. I treated and indulged myself - reading, going to movies and doing some binge watching of some favourite tv series. I tried to not think about the long term consequences of being uncreative. I tried hard not to be anxious about it, and to relax. I tried to be hopeful. I hung out with the people I love. And then one day I wrote something. I'm still sluggish. My creativity is like a deer that I don't want to startle or scare away, so I am hanging back and not making any sudden movements. How long will it last? How long is a piece of string? And I don't think there are any guarantees. But I think, while it feels like your creativity has disappeared or died, it is still there inside you, locked away. And whatever unknowable magic has allowed us access before, is capable of doing it again. I choose to always remain hopeful.

The wilderness...

Sometimes being a writer looks like this



He scrabbled for a hand hold, but the earth crumbled and  

He reached out

Sweat ran down



































If your writing looks like this, don't worry, you are not alone. The wilderness is not as empty as you would think. It is full of creative folk who are confused or stuck or waiting. We should be calling out to each other rather than hiding behind the trees. I'm thinking of building a cafe in the wilderness where we can all hang out.  This guy says it well (thanks to super writer Tania Roxborogh for the link).

The 'other' writer's block...

I have previously (and still continue) to dismiss Writer's Block. I reckon it is one of those problems for writers that only works if you buy into it. For me, my writing productivity goes up and down like an out of control yo-yo but I always accept that there will be unproductive days when the writing doesn't want to come and I just need some time and space and maybe a little brain holiday to get things rolling again. If I say I am blocked, I become blocked. If I accept instead that I am in a writing trough, I look for things to do that feed my creativity or educate my writing brain (reading books, going to movies, catching up with friends, etc...) and take comfort in the fact that peaks follow valleys - yahoo. I do like a good peak.

But there are other kinds of writers block. There is the kind when you have dug yourself a hole (with very slippery sides) of impatience and obsession over replies from agents and/or publishers (or any other kind of industry professional) and cannot write until you have 'heard back', also known as 'I will write again just as soon as I've checked/refreshed my e-mail/post box'. There is the kind of block you can get when several bad results put the 'fear of failure' wind in your sails. We deliberately put the breaks on our creativity to wait for or protect ourselves from the opinions and decisions of others. These kinds of blocks are the ones we put up ourselves as a result of things that are outside our control. What a waste of time!!! If you cannot control it, it is best to avoid being a slave to it. Of course this is easier said than done. I myself have often been a slave to the postie's arrival and have recently blogged on a little self sabotage I was indulging in. Like alcoholism, the first step is to recognize and acknowledge what you are doing. The second step is to break the cycle. This can take a bit of time and retraining if large parts of your brain have been devoted to obsessing and sabotaging and dwelling etc... One method is to pick a new focus for the day, the week, the month (or however long you may need to retrain yourself). Go do some research on something you have always wondered about/found fascinating (my daughter is studying the Russian revolution for level 2 history this year - she says 'meh', I say Rasputin, haemophiliac son, did Anastasia survive, winter palace, Nicholas and Alexandra, Dr Zhivago). Go indulge yourself - long walks, new haircut, pedicures, read trashy novels till your eyes hurt. Make holiday plans (even fake ones), make a bucket list or learn a new skill. I even say 'put the writing away.' In fact this is the best plan of all. Put the writing away until your hands positively itch with the desire to write - and then wait another day or two. And while you are waiting read some of your own favourite writing; your own stories that you like the best.

Are you re-freshed and refocused now? Did you remind yourself why you continue to submit yourself to this crazy business? You have no control over the opinions and decisions of others - forget about them, measure your successes by your own standards and move yourself forward. Moving yourself forward is the best way to influence the outcome.

I want me some focus-straightening-writer's-specs

Common advice to writers is to focus on writing the next book whilst waiting to hear responses to those manuscripts already out at the publishers. This is, in my opinion, tremendous advice. A writer always needs more work to send out and it distracts from the whole business of trying to wait and pretending to be patient. But there is a spanner in the works of this advice. Pretending to be patient, especially when a few months have passed, gums up the works. I become (for want of a better word - sorry folks) constipated with my writing. I'm not blocked (that word is frowned on in this house) as i have ideas and ways to move forward on my stories, but my focus is affected and sitting down to write is...lets say, difficult. As my assignment is finally finished and is now winging its way down to Christchurch I think I may play hookey for a day or two and see if I get my focus back. Otherwise I may need to investigate the acquiring of some special focus-straightening-writers-glasses - I woner if these will be available at the Spinning Gold conference.

I am also finding that while recent events have well motivated my writing of short works, my longer works are experiencing a dip in confidence and they have been seen wearing hoodies and milling around with bad postures in darkened corners at the mall.

Can you get blogger's block...?

Can you get blogger's block? I don't subscribe to writer's block at all. Sometimes I'm stuck on a story and it can take a while to decide how the story should proceed or what the best solution is to a problem. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood or other aspects of my life are taking precedence. Sometimes the creative juices run low and need a top up. But I can't help thinking that applying the term 'writer's block' is like the kiss of death, a self fulfilling prophesy, or opening a big bad can of fat nasty worms. Writer's block has that whiff of being potentially fatal. Something that might be insurmountable, unconquerable, life-long. Once it gets in your head, like a parasite, it never wants to leave. It sets up shop, messes with your head, and gets comfy. Before you know it its wearing lounge pants, a smoking jacket, putting its feet up on your ottoman and choosing the tv channels. I say, never, ever invite this creep in. Some years back I decided to be a non-subscriber to writer's block and I am happy to report this has worked very well so far. I have my good writing patches and my bad. Some things take longer than others to work through like a particularly gnarly knot. But I am confident that, while the mojo might leave the building, or even pack its bags and have a little holiday, sometimes even offshore, it always comes back. We belong together, my mojo and I. I would never ever say those WB words in its presence and it respects me for that. So even though I have got a thousand thoughts in my head at the moment and not one thing will step aside to let the other out the door and onto the blog page I guess I answered my own question. No you can't get bloggers block. And i've just written the blog post to prove it :)

Stay tuned for future outings of those thousand thoughts in upcoming blog posts!

If muses exist they are best friends with writers block...

Ah, the writer's desert that is the school holidays. Even though I have time at the computer writing coherently seems near to impossible. I have written some e-mails, some blog comments and of course am now writing this posting but as far as fiction goes, well i'm hopeful that I might get some words down later in the week. Maybe my muse is looking after his/her own kids these two weeks. Although today Justine Larbalestier thumbs her nose at the idea of muses and declares there is no such thing along with her writer friend Maureen Johnson. Writers invoke 'the muse' when they are unable to explain how they get their ideas. Makes me laugh though that muses are out but magic is in. I must admit that I am a bit amazed at what I come up with sometimes when i am writing. After forty something years you'd think I'd have a bit of a handle on how my thinking works. You'd think as its my brain i'd at least be able to exert some kind of control but when i'm writing there really does seem to be some kind of magic involved. If Einstein's thinking suggests we are only using a small proportion of our brains, who knows what they are really capable of. While I REALLY like the idea of the involvement of magic (not so much the muse because thats relying too much on one individuals involvement) I suspect that the sum of all my experiences, reading, watching and thinking is just combining in ways you wouldn't suspect looking at the individual parts. Maybe being a writer is just being someone more able to surrender to those random couplings of individual stuff swirling around in our brains. Fun!

Along with questioning the existence of muses I'm a long time non-believer in the idea of writer's block. Writer's block feeds on its own myth. Give it the time of day and it will wreck havoc on you in reply. If you breathe life into it it will take over like some noxious weed growing out of control. It is what you make of it. There are times when I don't write, or when my writing feels stale and cliched or just deadly dull. But if i chose to name that, it would become something. Instead these are the times when I need a rest, a break, some soul food, some reviving and rejuvenating. Its a time of movies, dog walks, coffees at the cafe with friends, watching the sun come up over Mt Eden, and watching Sponge Bob on tv. Sponge Bob has magic rejuvenating powers and an imagination to die for. Long live Sponge Bob, writer's block is dead.

I am also currently contemplating the benefits of the media. Will appearing in the paper, on radio or tv have an impact on my book sales. There is a cost to me in trying to do this so the question is a valuable one. But can someone who has succeeded in getting media attention demonstrate increased sales due to this attention alone. Its a bit chicken and egg. Do you get media attention because your books are no-brainer best sellers or do your books become no-brainer best sellers because you've had that exposure. Sometimes I curse that I did statistics at university. I think this whole publicity thing is one i'd like to try someday. Maybe its a good time to do it now.