I came to an interesting realisation this morning while in the shower. I am still not sure why the shower is where I most frequently discover my truth but I am reassured by the fact that it is, and in these covid19 level 3, drought/water conservation times it gives me a good reason to keep clean.
And what was my realisation, I hear you ask.
It is possible to have writer's block in one category of writing while being able to write freely in others. I wrote my last novel length junior fiction in 2017. Last year I wrote seven (or maybe eight) picture books, several short stories and lots of content for talks and workshops. So far this year I've written two picture books, some poetry for children, reworked a picture book into a short story and produced more content for talks and workshops. But I am stuck, stuck, stuck on novel length junior fiction. It eludes me. It scares me. I have had a few ideas for this form of writing but they have not developed. I have a novel three quarters written but I throw my hands up whenever I look at it, unable to edit, rearrange or complete it.
Have I exhausted my novel writing abilities? Was that it? I had a finite allotment of titles and I've reached the end? Is it just a blip? A temporary (three years and counting) abberation? Or is my brain switching focus to picture books for now but the train will switch back to the novel track at some point in the future? Or is it a gradual separation caused by how my novels have been read, responded to, or rejected over the course of my writing career? Have I just lost faith in my ability to write this form, wrongly or rightly? Have my particular series of novel-related events (some fortunate, some unfortunate) chipped away at my novel writing confidence?
And does it even matter?
I guess it does. At least to me, because I've been thinking about it - thinking about it enough to write a blog post on it. I don't like not being able to write this form. I feel like something is missing. Maybe a foot, or a couple of the more useful fingers.
It got me to thinking, because I believe my current inability to write novel length fiction is the product of my belief in my ability to do so being chipped away at over time. None of the individual chips was terribly big but over time they added up to quite a chunk. And like chopping that deep V out of a tree trunk, eventually the tree falls (and of course in a forest with nobody to hear, it doesn't make a sound - a bit like me stopping writing novels :-) ). So the writer we become is a product of our writer-related experiences over time and how we respond to each experience.
For better or worse, the path we take, the choices we make, build up our sense of who we are as a writer. It comes to colour what and how we write, how and to whom we submit, and how we handle the results. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes failure, rejection and criticism pushes us to write a better thing. We are able to see (sometimes because of the many small steps we did take) where we went wrong and how we might improve. Sometimes there was nothing wrong except the timing, so changing how or what we do might be the wrong response. Do we see this in time to stay on what is still the right path? How do we know? Sometimes it makes us turn to something else or give up completely. Or be stuck, stuck, stuck.
And don't forget, at each step in the journey, different people will respond differently to the same event. That rejection might steel your resolve, or break you. That success might see you blossom, or question if this is what you really wanted. No two writer's sequences of events and experiences will be the same so who do you look to for meaningful advice when you are not sure which way to go? You look to the only person you can - yourself! This too is part of being a writer. Looking at circumstances and saying to yourself, not, What do I do now? but, What do I want now? And saying, I want something completely different, is a legitimate answer. But it's not the only answer. In truth I still want to be writing novels. I'm going to have to figure out how to get myself back to it. I'm not sure how yet, but the bottom line is I know that's what I want. And luckily, while my confidence in my writing might come and go, my confidence in my ability to find a way remains strong. I'll figure it out because I have to. I'll see you when I get there :-)