Keeping my hand in ...

Whoo-wee I did not see that coming. You might think I should have 'cos I applied for it. Here is the announcement here. Thanks to the Michael King Writer's Centre, the NZ China Friendship Society, Shanghai Writers' Association and Shanghai People's Association for Friendship with Foreign Countries, I am off to Shanghai in September for eight weeks to work on a new middle grade fiction project. The story is partly set in Shanghai, the setting a catalyst for some big turning points in the plot. I cannot wait to soak up the location, and walk the streets I will be writing about. It's an incredible opportunity and it is still a little surprising that it was given to me. I actually went on a bit of a hot applying jag a few months back. I was feeling pretty bleak about the state of things. I was wondering about slowly taking my hand out of the bucket of water, and just when you are contemplating taking a step back the logical response (of course!) is to apply for things (residencies, funding, etc...). I think the underlying mood was just reaching for some chances to fulfil a couple of long held ambitions. It all felt a bit wild and yet in the fevered moment of applying I realised Shanghai was a perfect part of my project. I guess maybe it felt like that to the selection panel too. I am feeling excited about the story and the groundwork I am laying right now. By the time I am in the plane my main character will be too, travelling to the place that will set her off in a startling new direction.

I applied thinking I would most likely not get it (the classic creative's self preservation approach). But it felt good to apply. It felt important. I was doing something ambitious and gutsy and at the same time practical and purposeful. Applications take effort, corralling information, defining and refining a project, making decisions about what to include and what to leave out. You polish the project and commit yourself to the idea. You imagine yourself taking up the opportunity and then you steel yourself to the likelihood that one of the other applicants will get the nod. But it is no good having goals and then never pursuing them. As much as this business is out of our control and a significant part of our journey subject to the decisions of others, if there are things out there you want to try for, you have to go for it. Because sometimes it might be you. This time it was me, and it is all very thrilling and I cannot wait. And now I'll be keeping my hand in the bucket of water a bit longer.

Success is a moving target...

Success is a moving target.

Before I had anything I'd written published, getting something (anything?) published was my measure of success. And before I was published it seemed to me that this was the only foot in the door I needed. Once I was published I would be on the 'success road' where publishers knew my name, gave considering my work priority over unpublished writers, and called me to chat about ideas. Lol. There's a fantasy musical in there somewhere.

Of course, I soon discovered that staying published was the next goal, and the challenge, surprisingly, was greater than the hurdle of getting that first thing published. Who knew? (Apparently everyone but me).

Then came the secret desire to be shortlisted for an award. And to win something. People say awards are a bit of a lottery, but I can't lie about finding them desirable. I regret this desire regularly but I can't help myself. I am working on being at peace with this.

I didn't expect the win when it came. Children's Choice at the 2009 NZ Post Children's Book Awards for my picture book with Sarah Anderson, The Were-Nana. Yes I did look shocked. It rates as one of my happiest moments in my writing life. But it didn't open doors the way I thought it might. I think there have been ripples of results from this, but somehow I'd assumed waves were the normal outcome. I've gratefully received a few other nods over the years although I haven't won a category or the big prize at the NZ Book awards so I don't know whether these have greater door opening capacity or not. I suspect asking someone who has won would give mixed answers. There are so many variables that influence how success looks for that winning author/book.

Success has meant a lot of different things along the way. Some small and some big. And it's a constant readjustment, and sometimes a complete recalculation. Sometimes publication success has been elusive and results have been focused on invitations to speak, or tour, or present. Or the chance to write uninterrupted. Or completing a story. Or writing more than 50 words in a day.

Success right now is still very much about staying published. For a career writer this measure is a constant. What are my other current measures? I'll let you know if they come to pass. Sometimes I worry if something big happened that it would be overwhelming and I wouldn't handle that success well. I am however, willing to test this out. Lol. I mean, who would say no to some big kind of writing success. Of course, there's the fact that what qualifies as a success in my opinion might be of no importance to someone else. You have to make your own measures.

I'd recommend keeping them realistic too. It's okay to have tiers of success to aim for. Like Bronze, Silver and Gold. Of course the higher up you aim, the better your chances of reaching a higher goal, but don't make that success unreachable. I'd also recommend always regularly renewing what you consider success means to you. The world, and the book world, are constantly shifting and evolving. You need to shift and evolve with them. Remember too that the success you planned for might have surprising, unexpected outcomes. And it is even possible these outcomes can be negative. Success can sometimes end up being little more than a big fat learning experience. It pays to get adept at finding the silver linings. And perhaps most importantly (especially because I suck at this), learn how to enjoy any success that comes your way. Stop and smell that rose. Water it. And polish it occasionally. It's beneficial to remember the good things along the way because sometimes the next good thing you hoped for doesn't happen. And sometimes the only success you need is that you are still here, still writing, still being hopeful.