Submitter's neuroses

So I've registered and paid to attend the Spinning Gold Conference in September in Wellington. I've put my name down for accommodation, organised my roomy and warned her about my unique snoring style. I've made my first and second choice selections for workshops and ticked the box to do the pitch slam because it sounds like insane fun and who knows, maybe, possibly, something that will have results. I made some unusual selections (poetry? drawing?) and figure sometimes you've got to try new things. It all sounds like enormous fun, I'm glad I registered in time to get in and I am excited to find out who else will be attending.

I missed out on Creative NZ funding again which is a tad disheartening (who is Tad and I hope he doesn't mind me using his name this way). As a friend pointed out though being funded is a sometimes sorely needed acknowledgement and endorsement of us and our writing. A big tick from the powers that be. It is hard to know whether to keep trying, to keep investing in the process thereby making ones self vulnerable to the outcome? How many times is the charm? I also didn't get the SCBWI scholarship to attend their summer conference in LA. This last bit may turn out to be a blessing though, as it is in August and may have been the last straw in an increasingly complex schedule of events and deadlines. And I doubt the scholarship would have covered all my costs.

I'm trying to get a head of steam up again on my WIP. I'm keen to try finishing it and i am on the homeward stretch. I need to distract myself too because I am at that awkward phase in submissions when its been a significant length of time since I sent things to publishers but its possibly still to early Or I'm too chicken to enquire after my manuscripts progress. Its a kind of no mans land. A doldrums of creativity and sanity where its impossible to focus on things one should be doing because there's this big weight of wondering blocking up the works. No matter how long I've waited, my patience is almost always guaranteed to run out before there is a response, irrespective of the time involved. There is no cure. Its the writer's disease - like tennis elbow or housemaid's knee, writers get submitter's neuroses. It can be ugly. There is no cure except the passing of time. And the worst thing is being patient under duress can lead to the development of certain male qualities which is only okay if you're a bloke. I guess they do give me the courage to enquire after a submission sometimes but what do you do with them afterwards?

My form-completion gene is defective...

Okay, so I ignored the universe. Brazen tart that I am, my application for Creative New Zealand contestable funding is now in the post. I succumbed and submitted a sample of the planned work after all (after checking in with a Creative New Zealand contact who kindly got back to me very quickly but said no a sample of the WIP was what they really wanted). I rejigged a few things because I think I had ticked a few wrong boxes yesterday, but I'm not sure, because I have come to the realisation that forms bring out the worst in me. I have had three children. I have sat many exams and passed. I can drive. I can use a mobile phone and a computer. But I cannot fill in a form. Any kind of form - it doesn't matter. Put one in front of me and my mind empties. I become certain that every question is a trick question. I become certain that half the instructions are missing. I become certain i will make a mistake and it may result in death or dismemberment. My form-completion-gene must be defective (also known as G-I-don't-know syndrome). I am hoping for a cure. Maybe gene therapy or a stem cell transplant. At the moment all I can do is medicate myself with an oral application of the only treatment available - chocolate (a bit like when chocolate is the treatment for dementors - form filling is the same thing essentially, sucking the happiness out of you).

Why are there men in white coats at my door?...

Do you ever have days when you think the universe is trying to tell you something? In my case, today, I think its screaming with a megaphone on full. It occured to me late last week that the next funding round at Creative New Zealand closes at the end of this week. I still dream of getting funding and of course one must have a ticket to win the prize. I'd been stalling a little because they said no to my last project but recently I've been cogitating on this hot new story thats been cartwheeling through the back empty spaces of my mind. The main fly in the ointment was that i didn't really have a ten page sample of the story to submit along with my application. Not one i was happy with anyway. But its a hot story! Okay this was probably when the universe was whispering to me. Then on the weekend I thought maybe I can supply a sample of my last completed work as a demonstration of my writing. Of course a sample of the work itself would be best but its not ready yet and you have to have your ticket....So today I've been having a go at filling in the online forms which you then have to save, print out and forward by post. Somehow having the forms online has not streamlined the process for me at all. If there are ways to edit the forms I haven't found them. Anyways, I did my best to fill the forms in, dutifully saved them, then began to print them out. But, um, when I tried to print out the budget section I got pages with only one line on them coming out and then subsequent pages were missing most of the info i'd input on the budget table sections. T'was very confusing. So I wasted some paper and in the end reverted to updating the budget from the last time I applied which took up one sheet and still looked pretty spiffy. The universe was getting kind of audible. Then I fixed up my CV, my one page project outline, and the alternate ten page writing sample which on its own clocked in at 12 sheets of paper (from the 2 + 2 = 5 school of mathematics). Then I pressed 'print'. I have now run out of paper half way through and the screams from the universe are pinning my ears to the sides of my head. Resistance is futile. Why am I doing this? Why are there men in white coats at my front door...

Life would be easier if...

It has been the school holidays and therefore difficult to get to the computer. Not because i'm busy entertaining the children. They are old enough now to entertain themselves and actually prefer not to have me involved in their social activities. No, its because I have to take a number and wait in line to use the thing. And as if that wasn't bad enough, for the last two days the internet has been a bit 'ethereal'. Truly it has come and gone, like a selfish teenager, indifferent to my begging and moody about what it would and wouldn't do for me. I hate these technological advances that suck you in until you are a complete slave to them and then they just toy with you and tease you and only work when they feel like it leaving you high, dry and frustrated. And i've been cutting down on wine and chocolate so i'm extra crabby over the whole thing.

However I did get enough time on the computer on thursday to complete my funding application to Creative New Zealand, closing date July 25. I have to say, as I posted it off yesterday, that I felt like I was whistling in the wind. My chances are probably no better then if I bought a lotto ticket, but at least I have my ticket.

I found the funding guide very difficult to interpret and even when i've asked for advice from applicants, previous judges (or whatever they call the people who make the decisions on the applications) and staff within the organisation its a little like I was asking for a state secret from the CIA. Answers were as vague as the guide. I appreciate some of the reasoning that may be behind this vagueness - the guide must be applicable for many different art forms and an even greater variety of possible projects. Judging panels will be different from year to year and the measurement of any art form is so subjective. I guess if you've been a successful applicant you a) may not want to share the formula for your winning entry or b) not even know what part of your application won them over. But I never felt confident, as I prepared my application, that I truly understood exactly what they wanted from me and I would be very surprised if I am successful. I have applied before and at least I felt like this application was an improvement on the previous one. I am hoping I can get feedback when i find out the result in October.

Do you really want to know?...

A few weeks back i blogged about my starry son scoring a hat trick at soccer, of which I was extremely proud. Now I want to brag about my daughters also. My younger daughter Geneva has just been voted captain of her junior elite Cheerleading team, the Stormz and this week also my older daughter Elora, in the senior elite Cheerleading team, the Viperz, learnt a very impressive new tumbling trick. I tried to upload the video but i don't think blogger likes the format its in so instead here is a link http://youtube.com/watch?v=fMcoSepiccQ.

I was also intrigued by this posting on Nathan Bransford's blog (www.nathanbransford.blogspot.com ).

"We're going hypothetical today. It's like a thought experiment on steroids, only if the steroids had themselves had been taking steroids in order to become super steroids on steroids. Or not. Here goes.Question #1: Let's say there was a seer who could tell you definitively whether or not you have the talent to be a published writer. Absolute 100% accuracy. But. If the seer person said no, that's that. Final answer. Would you want to know?Question #2: If the seer person said no, you don't have the talent to be a published writer, would you still write?"

Last time I checked there were over 180 comments to this post. There have been times when I have wondered whether somebody should be told to stop writing but I reached the same conclusion that Nathan reached. I would never stand in the way of someone's dream (as long as it wasn't hazardous to their health in a big way), I would have no right to. And writing (or any creative endeavour) is about taste and I don't have universal taste, I only know what I like. I also don't have a crystal ball which shows how much someone might improve or change. I cringe looking back on my early efforts. I think I've improved. If I'd checked with Nathan's oracle in the early stages of my writing career, the resounding 'no' probably would have been heard several continents away.

I'm also currently grappling with a Creative New Zealand funding application for the July funding round. The big questions are will I ever understand exactly what it is they're asking for and is there a novel way (heh!) of getting their attention. This could take some time and need some good wine and brainstorming. Wish me luck.