The next topic with the most votes was using language techniques in picture books. But having talked about voice last time I thought it might be nice to mix things up a little. Techniques will be a fairly large and more serious topic, so I thought I'd tackle topic number three this time and go back to techniques next time.
So, surviving the zombie apocalypse. 'Hang on,' I hear you say, 'this crisis is zombie free.' Stop right there. Back the truck up. And listen...
1. Watch out for crowds carrying pitchforks. While it might be that they are just recreating 'American Gothic' for the Getty Challenge, it pays to remember there is only one pitchfork required for that picture. Never throw out your McDonald's Cheeseburger wrappers. These can be folded around wads of that spare toilet paper you are bound to have, and thrown on the front lawn to distract the crowds while you make your getaway. Unfortunately you still can't go too far and will have to come back sooner rather than later ...
2. Dont be concerned about people turning up at your front door with unnaturally pale faces. They are more likely to be amateur bakers who clearly have not adhered to the, 'don't touch your face,' rule, rather than vampires or the covidly ill. It may pay to keep your curtains closed and the lights off though, as in all likelihood they are there to ask if they can borrow some yeast. For starters, you can't 'borrow' yeast. They won't be giving it back. They'll be incorporating it into a baked product you are unlikely to be able to, or want, to share. Protect those precious, smelly grains for your own harking-back-to-home-economics experimentations with dough. Unfortunately they are unlikely to believe that you are not home anyway, despite the lights and curtains. It's not like you can go anywhere. However that unrisen rock you are calling bread can be lobbed through the front window at those prospective yeast stealers.
3. And ... shhhhhhh ... don't tell anyone .... but ... actually ... we're the zombies. I certainly feel brain dead most days. We're constantly hungry, shuffling around, looking a bit unkempt, moaning unintelligibly, bleary-eyed, awake day and night.... Sound familiar? Yup. It's us. And that red stain on my chin? It isn't the blood of my victims, its just a little red wine that managed to escape on the way to my mouth ... honest.
The good news is that we don't tend to cannibalise our own so we don't need any zombie fighting tips. We just need to fight the boredom, the lack of willpower, the existential angst, and the poor clothing and dining choices we are currently making every day. But that's a blog post for another day ...
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