Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The crushing grip of self-doubt

So Christmas and birthday are over and I am apparently a year older. I shall be whipping the hair dye and face wrinkle filler out shortly. Next week we are away down to the Kapiti Coast where it has been raining a lot. Hmmm. I should be writing the novel but am currently feeling the crushing grip of self-doubt. I wish it would go away. I do not like it. Sadly it is the occasional unwelcome friend of many writers - bit like this person over at Catdownunder's blog. No one has the right to tell you what your dreams should be. If your dream is to be a writer don't give up unless it is no longer your dream. Of course I reserve the right to complain about my dreams and give up regularly and change my mind about it whenever I want but it is my right and my choice to do so. Self doubt is a little different and the higher the stakes the bigger the doubt. Where is my turtle shell when I need to hide inside it? I hope I am my own worst critic but even if i'm not and folk do not like what I come up with then I guess I will just have to survive it and move forward. While a turtle might not agree, there is something thrilling about sticking your neck out and giving things a go. It might be nice inside that shell but I know too well what the inside of it looks like. I do not want to be a shell dweller all my life. I want to seize the day and suck the marrow out of it. And if that means feeling some doubt about what I am creating then I suppose it comes with the territory - buy a dog, expect to pick up some poop - its all part of the experience.


TK Roxborogh said...

exactly: buy the dog; expect to pick up the poop. That's pretty much my daily ritual and we have a large section and two border collies. Thankfully, they are tending to defacate in the same places - the big boy in the dog park (so hubby picks that up) and the bitch just under the washing line. Yuk.

Anyway, the joys (and there are many) of having a dog also come with the chores. And, so it is with writing. The boredom. The sore elbow. That lack of time. And, the biggest, which what you identify, the doubt. Can I really pull this off?

Was it you or was it Maureen who recounted the driving in the dark allusion. That's all we can do, hon. Go as far as we can see.

But, if we're not in the car and we're not going forward, then we aint achieving nothing.

Better to be in the car, scared, unsure, anxious but moving forward than sitting in the garage frozen with fear.

Old Kitty said...

It was your birthday??! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Hold the age wrinkling cream but maybe not the hair dye! LOL!!

I say embrace your self-doubt!!! You have yin as well as yang!!! Without one there isn't the other!! And the other in your case will be a finished novel and another published book(s)!!!! Oh yes!! Take care